What is the use for the letter C? It produces to sounds... the sound of the K and the sound of the S.... should we save ourselves one letter on the keyboard? The only real use for the C is when it is followed by H making the Ch like CHOO CHOO!... So should we keep the C and have that our CH sound? Yea Random I know
This last week has been a very good weak for me physically and emotionally.. although this week I've become a little bit more mentally exhausted, but I'll have rest soon! Whoo!
That is it for any intellectually stimulating thoughts I may have for the week...
This past week I've been dealing with some personal issues. I am at a place right now where I feel totally and completely like nothing. I feel like a moment that just has passed, a moment you wish you could grasp. Time however is not so kind because it keeps on ticking, and that moment becomes a distant memory.
I've always been very open, but I've never been too completely open on this blog. I didn't want people to read about me and who I am and what I'm going through. Today I don't care, this blog is more for me and the truth is I want people to know. Although there is only a slight possibility that you would even care about anything I would say, I need to say it for me.... I don't want to hide anymore.
I by no means am depressed. However there are times where I just want to cry, I want to remain in a ball and weep in my utter feebleness. I've been afraid of rejection for so long, that somehow someway I didn't measure up to a certain standard. Whether it be, I'm not "good enough" as a preacher, not handsome enough, not enough personality, not unique enough, not athletic enough, not wise enough. I've gone so long trying to prove myself, I'm tired, I'm useless, that is just how I feel.
However, there is hope..... 2nd Corinthians 12:9... I rather boast in my weaknesses so that God can be in my strength.... Although I may not have that mentality as of yet, I will speak this verse over and over to me so that He can do all the work. I can't do anything anymore.
I'm a Pastor, I am Weak, HE is strong... I know I'm meant for this, for it is my dream, it is everything I've ever wanted, I'm not walking with a limp for He is carrying me.
I shall dwell in only Him, the only place where I don't feel like I need to be anyone else...
There are moments in my life, when I need to retreat from everything. When I don't want to see a person, where I don't even want to think. I just need time. That happened to me twice this week.
Monday we had an awesome get together and my entire heart longed only to be with Jesus. I got completely lost during worship. I had been reading C.S. Lewis' chapter about the great sin, although I had read it previously before, this time something really hit me.
He writes that the great sin is pride, and in my heart I know I am a very prideful man, a man that I am trying to get rid of. However in the midst of it I was believing I was becoming more humble, then the last words of the chapter completely ruined me. He was writing to the effect that if you feel that you don't have any pride, then you are full of it.
I know I am a very proud man, but there was a part of me that believed that I was still yet so humble. At that moment I knew I was standing in the way. As a pastor I am standing in the way, because although not conscience of it, I believed that there is something intrinsic about me that brings the power of God, the ability to motivate, and when I came to that realization, it was revealed to me, that I can only go as far as "I" can take us. It can't be about what I bring, only God can take us anywhere. It has been tearing me apart.
Which lead me to today, I needed to escape. I took my car and drove, and drove, and drove, not wanting to talk to anyone. I drove across Alki, I was planning to park to continue my reading, but even in the area I parked there were people around me. I needed to go somewhere else.
I drove to Lincoln Park, got out of my car, took my book and walked into as much nature as I could. I found a spot where people were not visible and proceeded to sit down and just stared at the ocean, listened to the birds. I plopped down read my book..
I guess just at times I have emo moments, but I'm trying to search for a spot where no one can touch, a place where only me and Jesus can co-exist. Where words don't need to be said, just knowing that I am there in the prescence. Where I don't need to think, because He already knows. It's not a escape from reality, I just had to take a step back into what is real.
This past weekends was one of the greatest I've ever had...
My week usually starts about Thursday, the preaching, teaching, community, the fun... this last Thursday I'm going to have in my heart for a long time
Friday, empty handed was pretty indescribable. There was so much prayer and petitioning that went into this event, to see a large group of people saved made tears come to my eyes. Watching a room gather and worship our awesome God again made tears come to my eyes. This is just the beginning, I pray that it is more than just an event.
Saturday, hung out, Prayer meeting!... Holy spirit is amazing, we're going to fight for what is already ours!..
Sunday, although tragedy hits, we stood as a family and we will continually pray for the hurting.. I also got pretty tan playing volleyball
Monday, bbq, watched chronicles of narnia again, I LOVE THAT MOVIE....
By Tuesday I was completely worn out
Here we come a new week is starting.. I love this, My heart is leaping in anxious anticipation. Faith is the evidence of things of things hoped for, it is seeing what is unseen...
